Angry with a dash of jealousy is probably the best way to sum it up. I didn't want to spew negativity over and over again for months on end, so I just held me tongue or as the case may be - typing fingers.
I was sad that the chances of getting pregnant again were slim to none. I was angry that I would never get the chance to have a normal, full term pregnancy and everything that goes with it. I was jealous of friends who were having normal pregnancies and complaining about wanting it to be over with, being tired, having a shower before the baby arrives, etc. I also was tired of being "that person" - the one who friends of friends know about having the babies super early. The one who can't relate to full term issues. It is like I have an asterisk at the end of my name. The person people want to ask overly personal things (are your babies, you know- normal?) but don't really want to talk about it for fear it could happen to them.
This is the main reason I don't attend baby showers anymore. That and the fact I get a bit sad and wistful at them because I had the experience no one prepares for or wants. So why put myself through that and be the sad person trying to cover it up at a baby shower? Send a gift and be happy for them when the baby arrives healthy.
I am sure someday those feelings will fade, but they haven't yet. Time heals all wounds as the saying goes.
Also in my quiet moments at night, I was reliving or my brain was finally processing everything I dealt with in the hospital over 2 years ago. My therapist thinks it is a "light case" of PTSD. You know, like diet Dr. Pepper. Just like the real thing only with less issues. Therapy and time has helped with that. No longer having weird flashbacks of the hospital at inopportune moments - like at Target or walking the boys.
And if this is a light case, I cannot even fathom what our veterans go through with full blown PTSD, dealing with what they saw in combat. My heart goes out to them.
Switching gears now.
I am also thinking about moving my blog to another site only because this one focuses more on store fronts and whatnot. Didn't know that when I signed up. I chose it because I thought the name was funny/cute. Another reason to do your research people! Or people I imagine may be reading my blog. I really don't think anyone is out there reading this except maybe the government because they like to check up on everyone.
For updates - the boys are doing great! I can't believe they are toddlers and getting into everything. They are amazing little gremlins.
I am trying to relish every toddler moment because not only will it be their last, it will be mine. I am already privately mourning the fact that they aren't babies anymore and soon will be more vocal more like little boys with opinions. Sigh. I am sure that stage will be equally great and amazing but right now, I am in love with toddler curiosity and still baby like moments.
So hopefully in a few weeks (not months) I will figure out if I am going to stick with this site or move on to another and just link the two. Unless there is a way to move all the pages I created to a different site. I am thinking not. In the meantime, Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there!